Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
