I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i think my mom watched the whole time
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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