i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
