If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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