I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
