I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
