I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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