Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
