Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
