He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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