I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
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