We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
