8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
