good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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