the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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