Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
