End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
