I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
