so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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