How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
