Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Randomize
