i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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