I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
