6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
