You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
