she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
