I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
