he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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