I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
