just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
