good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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