Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
