i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm like, not good at living.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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