I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
