There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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