Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The feeling are messing with the penis
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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