There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
