this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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