I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
