It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
