So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
