Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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