i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
