I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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