My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
