I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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