I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
