I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
