pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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