paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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