Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
