i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
