I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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